Abortion

On the 23rd of February 2023,

I had an abortion.

Having previously been on the other side of so badly wanting a baby, experiencing two miscarriages and not understanding how people could have an abortion, I was naive to think that I, myself, now with two children, would ever opt for the privilege of an abortion.

Maybe you’re wondering why I used the word privilege and I can go deeper in to why.

My beautiful daughter was born June 2021, the apple of my eye! Closely followed by her little brother in 2022, he compliments our family in every way possible, I once dreamt of them.

After having Leighton, I was experiencing post partum depression and anxiety, I was quietly living with an overwhelming feeling of sadness which had me feeling confused.

My health felt like it had plummeted after having my son, my worries were amplified and suddenly the world felt a whole lot heavy. He was only 3 months old, I was in the thick of having a newborn - and then completely unexpectedly, I was pregnant.

It didn’t even occur to me that I could be, we had been safe during sex.

Steven was away, driving a long distance home at the time I found out, I noticed my period was late however being only a few months post partum, my period had only just returned.

It didn’t occur to me that I could be pregnant, I took the test I had to excuse it as an option and right away there was two lines. Those exact two lines which I had once hoped for, suddenly felt like the end for me.

I phoned my Mum right away as I sat on the couch crying hysterically, I knew that having another baby would be unfair on the two children I already have, and yet at the same time I felt that taking away the opportunity to have what I once wished for, which now simultaneously sat right there in-front of me, was so incredibly conflicting.

Having a baby in the first year of my son’s life felt like it would take away opportunities for him. It would have been unfair on my already poor mental health, physically it would have left me damaged and not to mention how it would have been unfair for Steven and our relationship. Financially a third child was not something we’d prepared for at all, and most importantly, it would have been unfair on the child.

This decision to have an abortion felt wrong in my mind, but in my heart, I knew it was going to be the best decision I could make for our family.

My darling friend accompanied me to the doctors appointment to get a referral to have the procedure, to confirm the pregnancy and sat advocating alongside me, asking the questions I simply couldn’t.

It is in the hardest times you realise who your people are, I can’t imagine how I’d have gotten through without the immediate support I received.

So with all of that being said, this option felt like a privilege to have for my well-being, if I had of gone on to have a third child so soon after my second, I don’t believe I would be the Mother that I am capable of being today and for that I feel eternally grateful.

Next month, right before my son turns one, I would have had a third child. Looking back at my decision I hold no regrets and I know that I did the best thing I could during that period of my life. There will always be a lingering thought of 'what if', but I know that doesn't deserve a place in my mind often with the choice I made.

I have come to understand that what was important was not how others would look at me for this but ultimately the impact I could have in sharing.

I recognise and respect that not all people will understand this as an option, I was once one of them people too, however I feel it is important to normalise this experience and not speak of it in a judgmental or negative way until you have had to endure this decision for yourself.

The more I share my own experience, the more I hear the multitude of other people having one of their own.

If one person takes comfort in knowing this decision is valid without explanation to anyone, then my job here is done.