Daddy, I Love You

Dad, I woke to the sound of you pulling out the dining room chair from the table, I checked my phone to see it was 2:30AM and I got up to check you were okay.

I seen you sitting down with no shirt on and Mum standing beside you, I asked you what was wrong, why you had the blood pressure machine out and around your arm. You told me ‘nothings wrong, I’m just checking my blood pressure.’

I asked again what was wrong, Mum said, ‘Dad just has some chest pain’.

I stood at the entrance of my hallway and stared at Dad sitting there, a different shade of light was over him, in that moment I felt something in my stomach turn, like I knew something was wrong. I told him I was going to take him to the hospital, he stood from the chair and had a drink of water, he told me the pain was going away and that he was going to go back to bed.

Dad, you told me not to worry and to go back to bed myself, and so I went to my room and googled symptoms of said chest pain.

Dad described it to feel like indigestion. I took a screenshot of what I found and sent it to Mum on Facebook, turns out she was actually doing the same thing.. (Thanks Dr. Google). We soon realised that Dad had other signs within the week before his passing that him being his stubborn self, probably didn’t bother to tell us. Mum took her iPad to show Dad what she had pulled up, he read it and agreed that he should probably go to the hospital. Mum said ‘no worries, I’ll just get dressed and we will go.’

Dad said to Mum to stay home and rest as she was due to work in the morning, and that I would take him to hospital instead. Mum came to my room to tell me that Dad wanted to go to hospital, so I got dressed and was ready faster then I’d ever been ready in my life.

Dad was never someone to willingly go to the hospital, so I knew he mustn’t have felt right. Before we left home, Dad kissed Mum goodbye and told her that he loved her, she responded, ‘I love you more’ and he said ‘I doubt it’.

On the drive to the hospital, Dad was his normal self, instructing me where to go even though I already knew where I needed to go. I asked how he was feeling and he said he was ‘fine’. I tried to stay as calm as I could, but I was nervous as hell.

We arrived to the hospital at around 3:00AM, as we walked to Emergency from the car park I glanced up at Dad and noticed he looked yellow and lethargic. We got in and I told the Triage Nurse everything Dad had been feeling, I showed her a photo that I took before we left home of the medication he was taking for High Blood Pressure. I was asked to wait in the Emergency Department whilst they took Dad straight through for an ECG (electrocardiograph).

I didn’t think anything of the fact you went straight through Dad, it wasn’t unusual for a person with chest pain to be attended to promptly. I remember the nurse instructing you to walk through the doors to the right, me saying ‘I have to wait out here for you Dad’ and you responding with ‘Yep’.

And so off you went through the doors, little did I know it was the last time I got to see you.

I waited for an hour with no knowledge of how you were doing. I messaged you at 4:16AM ‘you okay’ expecting you to reply whilst you waited to be seen back there.

A doctor came out to the Emergency Department and said ‘Is there any family here for Ronald Venrooy?’ I stood alone, scared of what was going to come next. I was taken to a private room where the doctor sat me down and told me these exact words, ‘your father is very unwell at the moment. Since he arrived he has deteriorated very quickly and right now there is a whole team of doctors and nurses working to save him, your father has suffered a massive heart attack and has gone into cardiac arrest.’

I don’t remember what I felt in that moment, only that I was telling you to come back to me Dad, repeating out loud hysterically, ‘Dad no, this can’t be happening, Dad, please, Dad no.’ The Doctor was incredibly calm, saying next, ‘I think it’s important we get your Mum to come to the hospital as soon as possible.’

I had to make a decision on how I would go about telling my Mum that Dad has gone into cardiac arrest. I decided that it was best my siblings go and pick Mum up and they all come together.

I knew Mum would be far too distraught to drive alone. The doctor called my brother and he didn’t answer, we then tried to call my sister with no answer, so I called my brother on my phone twice and finally his girlfriend answered his phone, I tried to articulate what was happening but I couldn’t gather the words, so the doctor took my phone and explained the situation to my brother.

He went to get my sister, yelling and banging at her front door until she woke. Together they went to get Mum to come to the hospital.

I remained at the hospital with the Doctor, he spoke to me and said, ‘if you would like to see your father, now would be the time, but just be aware that there is a lot of people and things happening around him at the moment so it may be a bit frightening at first.’

I sat with the thought of seeing Dad, initially I wasn’t sure I would be able to do it. After thinking about all that Dad has ever done for me, I knew that it would be the right thing for me to go and see him.

Dad, I walked into the room and seen at least 10 nurses and doctors around you, I looked at you and my heart sunk, it was like the world around me was crumbling down, you really weren’t well at all. I couldn’t look at the doctor performing CPR on you, so instead I looked at the ground and made my way to your bedside, I found your hand and I held it in mine, I told you I loved you so much and that you were our families protector. It was the bravest thing I ever had to do, but I knew it was me there with you for a reason, and I couldn’t let you go thinking you were alone.

All I hope for now is that you heard me in that moment and that you knew I was there with you. I went back to the private room after that, and at 5:10AM I messaged you, ‘Daddy I love you’.

My Mum and siblings arrived to the hospital after I went in to be with Dad, the doctor came in and it was in that moment that together, as a family, we were told that Dads heart had stopped beating at around 5:15AM. Dad was moved to a private room at the hospital and got ready for us to see him resting.

We each spent some time alone with you Dad, telling you what we felt we needed to, and hugging you whilst you were still warm. I can’t explain the feeling of losing you, I feel unmotivated to get back into the swing of life, it’s weird how everything just keeps happening around me when I feel like I am frozen in time. It still feels so surreal, one minute I had you walking beside me and the next I was holding your hand saying goodbye. I’m not sure there is ever going to be a day that goes by that I’m not missing you. Home doesn’t feel like home without you, but we are taking things slowly, right now it is one hour at a time, gradually we will get used to one day at a time.

Dad, you were our protector, our knight in the darkest times. You had the softest heart beneath the tattoos, the bald head and the beard. When you were moved to the private room at hospital, I went in to say my last goodbye. I hugged you and I hoped for nothing more then to hear your heart beating, but it was in that moment that it all actually dawned on me that I would really have to learn to live a life without you with me physically. I kissed you on the head and tucked you in just as you would me before bed when I was a little girl, all the way up until Steven moved in with us, so I did what you used to do, grabbing either side of the blanket and pressing down nice and snug. When you did this to me before bed every night, I felt most secure.

I felt like I could be your beautiful butterfly when I woke the next morning, but this time it was me giving you the wings to fly.