Dancing With OCD

This is something I wrote on the 17th of May, 2016. I'd like to share it with you to show just how far I have come.

I cannot resist the temptation to count how many hours of sleep I get each night. I cannot go to bed knowing that my sliding cupboard doors are open three centimetres. 

Is my fan on?

Do you think I'll sleep enough tonight?

I wonder if my doors are shut..

What about the spare room bedroom door?

I should go check on my dog, I'm sure I can hear noises.

I wonder if I turned the bathroom tap off completely, I better go have a look.

Do you think my phone is on a good percentage?

I should probably wash my hands.

I cringe when I hear words I do not like. I squeeze my hand to a fist and pulse in and out.

I clench my teeth and lock my jaw.

My days are full of demanding compulsions that only piss me off.

I lost control when I was only a little girl and now, it's been a good 9 years. 

The demon OCD is a part of me, I've learnt to accept what it is and how it works differently for each person diagnosed but more importantly how it works in my life.

I remember vividly that I was just eight when I started to dance with OCD, too afraid to ask questions about the things I was doing and unknowingly thinking it was totally normal to go outside right before bedtime to see if it was raining or not just to allow the weather to determine how I'd sleep that night.

It's bizarre, perhaps a bit stupid, but it is what it is and I don't know why.

I'm coming to terms with myself, allowing self acceptance, allowing OCD to be a part of me, but not allowing it to BE me.

I have learnt that you either temporarily tame your demons, or learn how to permanently dance with them.